We start dying the moment we are born,
So live as if you were to die tomorrow.
Im sorry all I do is scream at you. And talk stupid. And get pissed.. I’m sorry..
As I read this letter and as you listen, I know right now I’m either dead or in prison. Maybe not now.. But I know one of them are coming. I pray this is something I never have to read. But i feel like right now.. Its time for everyone to know the truth.
Its been about 9 years now and i continue to stay depressed. Its been bad.. and has been getting worse. I’ve attempted suicide a little over 8 times. All failed. I’ve had scars on my arm for as long as I could remember. All my life i’ve heard nothing but “You’re a fuck up. You’re gonna end up a bum. You’re a bum. You’re so fucking stupid. Im a thief. Im a liar. Im a cheater. Im unloyal. Im an asshole. And so on.” I’ve never once had any of my family members actually home up to me, give me a hug and have them tell me that they’re proud of me. All i ever wanted was for my family and friends to think of me as a success. To think that im not some waste of skin. It hurts hearing these things. It kills me inside and no one fucking notices because I hide it everyday. I fake a smile everyday, I cry myself to sleep, and wake up crying. Im sick of my life, and just want to die. But theres certain people out there preventing me from doing so. Those people would be: Hazel Martinez, Jocelyn Martinez, Sophia Martinez, Jessica Martinez, Diego Martinez, Oscar Martinez, Maritsa Martinez. Those are my siblings. Also, Rizzo Martinez hes been nothing but a brother to me. Nina Martinez, Mila Martinez, And Vitto Martinez those are my cousins ive lived with my whole life. My dad Alvaro Martinez, Mother Crystal Melville. Uncle Sergio Martinez. Reyna and Jose Martinez, my grandparents who raised me as if i was their child.
Those are the Family members i cannot leave, even though lots of them have cause me so much pain throughout my depression.
Colton Darby, one I can say is my only true friend.. all my other “true” friends i used to have, all left. And abandoned me. They werent true at all. I see Colton as another brother to me. I trust him like i could my own brother, and I know i can rely on him for anything. I love you.
And most importantly.. Nicole Hull. The girl who holds the key to my heart. I love her, and have never felt this kind of love before. We’ve only been together for 8 months now. And we’ve been through so much. Beyond too much. Any other couple would’ve left eachother, but for some reason she stuck around.. I’m inlove with her. And will always love her no matter what. I trust her with anything.. and i hate that she doesnt see it, but i truly do. I love you Nicole. never forget that.
I love you all to death.. I dont even think you guys understand how important you guys are in my life.. you’re all what is keeping me from killing myself. you guys. Not me, because to me.. I died several years ago. You guys are the only reason im even still here to this day. But im yelling for help inside. Im praying for someone or something to free me from this depression. I cant handle it anymore..
So.. My mother. My mother left me and my 8 sibling roughly 9-10 years ago. Basically when the depression hit. She left and ran of too god knows where. I was only 7. And she started a whole new family, had 3 different children and got married. She abandoned us.
I dont even know what else to say… except.. Pray that i find help before its too late..
Please don’t lose feelings for me.. Or start having some for someone else… I don’t wanna lose you 😔😞